In Limbo

In my bio, I write the following:

I try and put a lot of thought into what I write, but sometimes extenuating circumstances will lead me to sound pessimistic, unhelpful, immature — like a human being, basically.

This is going to be one of those entries, so at the chance of possibly sounding like a teenager, please read at your own risk.

I have been living out of AirBnB’s and accommodations for the past month due to some problems with living at home, and with the conflict I’ve experienced, I’m also finding it impossible to return there. I was also in a co-dependent relationship with my parents that I helped to perpetuate, which isn’t a good look for someone my age (33!). So I think it’s time to put up the sails and push off from shore, so to speak. The thing is that I have no idea where the heck to go. I have no roots in any other city. However, I have decided that who I am isn’t compatible with the vibe of Los Angeles. I don’t mean this in a mean or bitter way, I just mean that I think it’s best to put down ties somewhere else.

I want to be a filmmaker so desperately. And for any younger folks reading this, I’ve been thinking of the concept of “deserving” in my head over the past couple of days. When I was younger and just starting out (or really, spending years trying to navigate how such an ambition would be possible while being too nervous to act on my goals, because it seemed like there was no sure way to reach them), I thought I deserved to be a writer-director, simply because of how bad I wanted it. I was a decent person. I wanted something terribly. Why shouldn’t I get it? I’m not sure how much this is a reflection of my character or not, whether at the time or right now. Anyway, what I want to say is that this isn’t how the world works. You have to actively work toward and fight for your goals if they’re really important to you, even when it seems like the world is telling you to quit. And being a filmmaker is still really, really important to me. I feel I have things to say and a particular vision that will connect with audiences (notice I didn’t say an AMAZING or a PROFOUND vision, I just said a particular one).

By an incredible stroke of luck, I still have the money to make projects. But with every week I spend at a particular place, that money that I could be spending on crafty or film equipment drops. It needs to be said though, that I’m really lucky to have enough of a financial cushion to hole up in a place where my accommodations are clean, quiet, and comfortable. To be frank, what’s been going on in my personal life has been very hard, but in other ways, I’m very lucky. And I don’t think I’ve really applied that knowledge to where I’m at in this moment and this time in my life, until just now.

I need people to know, though, that what I’ve been feeling lately is just…sad. My personal life is kind of a bummer. Nothing professional is happening. The short film I started prepping for last May is now on its third sound mixer/designer, and the saga of that is probably worth a whole additional blog entry. I’ve been applying for jobs and have been finding positions hard to get in light of my scattershot work history, which is my fault, and the result of some very poor decisions.

I feel very, very far from my goals, but here’s the thing. Instead of writing, or reading a screenplay, or watching a movie, or researching or practicing an element of filmmaking like editing, I’m sitting here freaking out about my prospects, instead of building the bridge to get to the next thing through steady, dedicated, professional work. And that doesn’t even have to be through making some short film — it could be as simple as writing half a page every day, or opening Adobe for a half an hour every night. Developing habits. I understand that when you’re feeling lousy or discouraged it’s hard to apply that negativity into something productive and creative. My default is simply to sit there and steam like some kind of baked potato when I have a setback. And sometimes, that’s what you have to do to get past what you’re feeling, and feel better. But if you don’t continue your momentum somehow, you’ll never get those screenplays finished or out into the world. You’ll never get the money for that short film. You’ll never get done what you want to do.

Watching: John Wells WGA interview Part 3 (the whole three-part series should be REQUIRED viewing for any storyteller)

Reading: Lori Teresa Yearwood’s feature on how she worked to escape the trauma of homelessness while facing others’ white savior complex is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever read.